AS GOOD AS IT GETS

ZOE
I can't resist. You usually move through here so quickly and I have so many questions I want to ask you. You have no idea what your work means to me.

MELVIN
What's it mean?

ZOE
That somebody out there knows what it's like to be... (taps her head and heart) in here.

MELVIN
Oh God, this is like a nightmare.

ZOE
Aw come on, just a couple of questions -- how hard is that?

As he hits the button, wipes his fingers, hits the button etc.

ZOE
How do you write women so well?

MELVIN
(as he turns toward her) I think of a man and take away reason and accountability.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CAROL
Uh, Udall?

MELVIN (O.S.)
Carol the waitress?

CAROL
Yes.

As we hear him unlock the door, Carol looks at her breasts and gasps. She grasps the fabric and holds it straight out just as Melvin opens the door. His hair is
static city, standing on end as he periodically gives it self-conscious pats.

CAROL
The doctors had your billing address. I'm sorry about the hour.

MELVIN
I was working... can't you just drop me a thank-you note?

CAROL
That's not why I'm here... (tearing suddenly)
... though you have no idea what it's like to have a real conversation with a doctor about Spencer...

MELVIN
(very uncomfortable) Note. Put it in the note.

CAROL
Why did yo do this for me?

MELVIN
To get you back at work so you can wait on me.

CAROL
But you do have some idea how strange that sounds??? I'm worried that you did this because...

She pauses -- the beginning of an extraordinarily long silence. Finally.

MELVIN
You waiting for me to say something?
(as she shakes her head) What sort of thing do you want? Look, I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.

CAROL
I don't think I can wait until tomorrow. This needs clearing up.

MELVIN
What needs clearing up?

CAROL
(strong and true) I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never, ever sleep with you. Never. Not ever.

Melvin's reaction? Well, he'll never get credit for the brief but intense inner struggle -- the struggle not to scream --

-- not to cry -- to process the sudden and stunning hurt during his half turn away from her -- and then answer hoarsely.

MELVIN
I'm sorry. We don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.

Carol is amused, surprised... maybe, in some small way ever taken by his style... but top priority is clarity.

CAROL
I'm not kidding.

MELVIN
Okay!!!! Anything else?!?

CAROL
Just how grateful I am.

Her mission completed -- she turns.

MELVIN
So you'll be at work?

CAROL
Yes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CAROL
Hi.

MELVIN
Thanks for being on time... Carol, the waitress, this is Simon, the
fag.

CAROL
Hello... Oh, my God, who did that to you?

SIMON
I, uh... I was... attacked. Walked in on people robbing me. I
was hospitalized. I almost died.

MELVIN
Let's do the small talk in the car. Load up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MELVIN
Can I ask you a personal question?

Simon laughs loudly in apprehension squared.

MELVIN
Do you ever get an erection for a woman?

SIMON
Melvin...

MELVIN
Wouldn't your lie be a lot easier if you were not...

SIMON
You consider your life easy.

MELVIN
I give you that one...
(eyes suitcase)
Nice packing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MELVIN
(to Carol)
Okay, I got a real great compliment for you and it's true.

CAROL
I am so afraid you're about to say something awful...

MELVIN
Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style. Okay... Here I go... Clearly a mistake. (this is hell for him) I have this -- what? Ailment... And my doctor -- a shrink... who I used to see all the time... he says 50 or 60 percent of the time a pill can really help. I hate pills. Very dangerous things, pills. "Hate," I am using the word "hate" about pills. My compliment is that when you came to my house that time and told me how you'd never -- well, you were there, you know what you said... My compliment is, the next morning I started taking these pills.

CAROL
(a little confused) I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

Amazing that something in Melvin rises to the occasion -- so that he uncharacteristically looks at her directly -- then:

MELVIN
You make me want to be a better man.

Carol never expected the kind of praise which would so slip under her guard. She stumbles a bit -- flattered, momentarily moved and his for the taking.

CAROL
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

MELVIN
Maybe I've overshot here just a little 'cause I was aiming at just enough
to keep you from walking out.